TMAR Thanksgiving - We Must Save Barbie

TMAR Compilation
Nov 29, 2015
4 min read

There I was, in the Congo. Down to my last fruit cocktail, but we had to get Barbie out...

Out of the clutches of the most diabolical, man-raping, cult in the history of the world.

We knew why they took him, of course. We've all battled that demon, but he was our Barbie and dammit we were going to get him back.

Initiate Phase One: Send in Precious as a distraction.

As Precious went inside the others were preparing for what laid ahead.

Dee Money, pacing the sidelines. Giggling with an eerie madness in her eyes. Blades out, tracing indistinguishable patterns at her sides...

Sunshine, holding his war hammer above his head, bouncing on his heels, eager to begin the smashing.

Robocop Jesus making a final inspection of his guns, checking slides and counting ammo as a cigarette dangles from his lips and a beer at his side.

2PL8$ (Two Plates) reclining in the bed of one of the 3 stolen Hilux’s, humming an odd melody. A melody that was both calming, and in the same instance terrifying. Like the smell of a funeral home, sweet fragrances of flowers but underneath the stench of death. The flicker of light in his eyes displayed no fault in his resolve, blood would be shed this night, and only the gods would take its measure.

We all perked our ears up at the scream from inside. Was Barbie truly being raped to death? Was that a scream of ecstasy?

Dee Money looked forlornly at the ground as L. Boraccho muttered, "Maybe he is in epic pain?"

The other glanced from Dee Money and stared at Sunshine ... What was our fearless leader thinking? Goosebumps at the thought of Barbie getting raped? And then a joke about Dee Money's ascot? She was obviously delusional with grief at the thought of Barbie being sodomized.. and there was that bearded imbecile cracking wise when she was carrying knives.

Precious had not checked-in in over two hours and the group was beginning to unravel. Especially D$ and sunshine. but who could blame them? The loves of their lives were trapped, and probably being raped senseless

D$ nervously fidgeted with her ascot. A subconscious tick since nearly being garroted to death by one of Robocop Jesus' high priced whores. A look in her eye told all that she meant business and that nothing would stop her from rescuing her sweet Barbie from the clutches of evil.

The group looked at each other again as Robocop Jesus finished wiring the charges to blast through the wall. He looked back at the team, "So, we gonna do this or WHAT!?!?!?"

Robocop Jesus tossed the detonator to Dee Money. She looked at the reinforced concrete wall and pressed the switch. The sound was deafening.

"Muhap!!" yelled Robocop Jesus, "Muwhap!" "Muwhap!"

The dust hung in the humid air like a thick fog surrounding the group. As was his custom, Robocop Jesus has used more than enough C4.

"Muwhap!" he said again.

Phase Two: Unstrap Barbie from the ritual raping table...

"Ssshhhhhh" muttered 2PL8$, "I wanna know who Barbie is talking to, all this about war hammers and moments is intriguing"

"His hearing got knocked out Barbie! He's kinda deaf right now!" yelled L. Boraccho

The scene looked like an Eli Roth set piece. Barbie was strapped to some kind of ritualistic alter, but seemed happy to see TMAR.

"Who were you talking to?" asked Dee Money

"That nice man in the corner there, he has an axe!"

there was no one there. He was having hallucinations. Looks of pity spread over every face in the team. No one was sure what could be done...

And then Precious rounded the corner, dressed in strange robes and followed by a rather large group of similarly dressed men. Could it be? Was Precious the sinister mastermind behind the most diabolical, man-raping, cult in the history of the world!!

He eyed all of us hungrily, except Dee Money of course. He gave her a dismissive wave and shouted to his men, "her you can kill. Spare the rest for fun time!"

Sunshine turns to the group and asks if this is the part where L. Boraccho comes rallying out of the jungle in a taco truck blaring la Cucaracha?

"That only happened once Sunshine, this time it looks like we are in trouble" muttered 2PL8$

Dee Money, lost in her rage started laughing manically and threw herself at the nearest cultist, opening him from groin to clavicle. Without a pause she sprang over him, as he reached to gather his intestines that had fallen on the floor. Her twin blades danced in the pale light, singing the song of death and retribution. As the last cult member drowned silently in his own blood, she turned her blood speckled face towards Precious, her dark eyes ablaze with fury and pain....

Barbie looks up and says, "Shit, we were fucking with you Dee. Those guys were actors."

2PL8$ mumbles, "I fucking knew this was going to happen."

Darth hype and L Boraccho round the corner and stare down at the bodies strewn across the floor. Darth shrugs and L. Boraccho says, "Taco truck is out back."

Robocop looks at the pair and says, "I got barbecue sauce..."